The bad days

I can’t always be strong. Especially when these hormonal headaches pervade every second of my day. Distraction occasionally helps, dulling the headache slightly into the background, but the reality of the longevity of this journey is slowly chipping away at my positivity.

“Life is beautiful. Think of the positives.” My personal chant is ingenuine, monotone and lifeless.

I know that on some level these feelings of “depression” are progesterone-related. It’s so easy for me to tell other people of the influence of progesterone in their cycle. “It can make you feel sad” I say, “so be kind to yourself.”

Blah blah blah. If only I could practice what I preach.

I am well aware of the importance of listening to your body and being gentle with yourself at this time of the month. Your body is screaming out for some TLC, and yet we ignore our own signals and power through.

What are we trying to prove? And to whom? Why do we think we are weak? Why can’t we go through each phase with gentle acceptance and respond positively to our body’s needs? It takes incredible strength to recognise the importance of self-care. This is something I am still struggling with.

Today I am on the verge of tears. Tiny pockets of acne are emerging on my cheeks and a dull tenderness permeates my breasts. The constant throbbing in my head has successfully dampened all my happy thoughts and I feel an irresistible urge to crawl into bed for the next few weeks until my period begins. Impossible, I know, so I will focus on surviving one day at a time.

Today a grey, wet blanket covers the city. The sky is crying and I secretly feel that mother nature is mourning with me. I embrace this celestial understanding and allow myself to silently grieve. I do not want to wallow or brood, but allowing myself to slowly sink into this cottony sadness somehow makes me feel better. At least temporarily.

No point stressing over things I have no control over.

I remind myself of that every single day. It’s pointless. It’s a waste of energy. It does not accomplish anything except increase my stress levels, one of the worse things you could do when you’re on this fertility journey.

It’s one of the hardest things you will ever do in your life. Embark on this insanely difficult journey, that you have no control over, and then try to remember that “it’s really important that you relax and try not to stress.”

I want to scream every time I hear that. It’s nearly impossible.

And that’s why I am desperately trying to take it one day at a time. And today I am going to listen to my body and take care of myself.

I take a slow deep breath and try to calm my throbbing mind. The lights are down and a soothing tune infuses the background. I dust off my paintbrushes and pull out a painting I started 5 years ago. Time to start doing the things that bring me joy……

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